


Worthy

by anastiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9x18, Angst, Coda, M/M, Mark of Cain, Phone Calls & Telephones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-04-19
Packaged: 2018-01-19 23:37:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1488352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastiel/pseuds/anastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Coda written for post - 9x18 of Supernatural. After Dean and Sam return to the bunker, Dean is having a hard time and he really needs to hear Cas's voice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Worthy

Dean has been staring at his phone for the past five minutes, debating whether to pick-up the damn thing and call Cas, plug it in to charge for the night or throw it against the wall in frustration. He’s stuck somewhere in the middle and ends up tapping his fingers mindlessly against the screen while staring at the device like it holds the cure for cancer.

He’s acting like a thirteen year old girl who is too afraid to talk to her crush on the phone. Too bad that’s not why he’s so hesitant. He wants to call Cas, he does. Dean needs to hear Cas’s voice, like he needs water. Cas’s voice is a bright light in all the darkness he has writhing around inside him. But he can’t call Cas. Most likely Castiel is pissed at him for taking on the Mark of Cain and frankly? Dean doesn’t blame him. Dean is pissed at himself too. He sees how the Mark is changing him day by day, shaping him into a new form of man. He can feel his body and soul changing into something darker than even Alastair could have created. He feels evil and it scares the shit out of him.

Which is why he wants to call Cas, because even when everything is going to hell, Cas somehow has a way of making him feel calm and okay; like he is worth something.

Dean sighs, turning on his phone and tapping out the numbers to Cas’s phone number. He pauses, staring at the brightly lit screen. What if Cas doesn’t answer? What if he won’t talk to him? His thumb hovers over the green call button. _Come on Winchester, man up._

He pushes the call button and raises the phone up to his right ear, leaning back against the headboard of his bed. His left hand taps against the sheets nervously. Ring, ring, ring. Nothing. This was a bad idea. Dean tenses, hastily pulling the phone away from his ear and is about to end the call when Cas’s voice says his name over the phone.

“Dean?”

Dean’s eyes grow wide and he scrambles to put the phone back against his ear, “Hey Cas!”

His attempt at sounding casual and nonchalant like _absolutely nothing is wrong_ fails miserably.

“Dean? What’s wrong?” Dean can hear Cas’s eyes narrowing and the frown on his face.

“I’m sorry,” Dean blurts out. “I’m sure you’re mad at me and I probably fucked up really bad but I have to do this, I gotta kill Abaddon and this is the only way and I didn’t know what else t-”

“Dean,” Cas cuts him off and Dean stops rambling immediately. “I’m not mad at you.”

“You should be,” Dean responds gruffly, absently picking at a loose thread on the sheet.

Cas sighs into the phone, “I cannot be mad at you, Dean. You made a decision that you felt was right at the time. It’s a “means to an end” as you said. I only worry what permanent effects this will have on you.”

Dean huffs out a cold laugh, “Well the way I see it is I’ll either go dark side or die.”

“Why must you _always_ run towards death?” Cas says into the phone, voice quiet and more full of emotion than Dean has heard in a long time.

“I just don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, okay? And if I’m going to die anyway, I might as well go out guns blazin’,” Dean replies and it sounds like he’s reading from a script. That this is his fate and he accepted it so long ago that he sees no way out other than this. He doesn’t see a happy ending.

“You could be happy, Dean. You..” Cas’s voice falters there before he continues, “You could retire from hunting, get married and have a family. You and Sam both deserve that.”

Dean smiles into the phone, Cas thinks he could live a normal life. That’s _hilarious._

“Oh you think so huh? And what dumbass would want some fucked up man like me?” Dean replies sarcastically.

“You are a wonderful man, Dean Winchester despite what you believe. Anyone would be lucky to have you.”

“Yeah okay, whatever Cas,” Dean snorts. Wonderful? Lucky? Ha-ha.

“No, I mean it. You.. you are the best man that I have ever known and... you deserve happiness. If I could trade places with you this instant, I would,” Cas says quietly and on the other end of the line Dean thinks his heart just stopped beating..

“Why the fuck would you want to do that?” Dean asks, breathlessly awaiting Cas’s reply.

Pause. Dean’s heart comes alive and the beat increases tenfold. Pause.

“Because I care about you, Dean Winchester. More than I have ever cared for another human being in the universe,” Cas says honestly and so genuine. This is too much, too fucking much to take in, to believe.

Tears prick at Dean’s eyes and he thinks he might be starting to feel something again.

“Cas, I’m poison. You of all people know that! I’m no good for you, for anyone. You don’t... you can’t...” Dean stutters out trying to finish the sentence, but his throat feels like it’s closing up and he can’t breathe.

“Dean,” Cas says his name and it’s like a breath of fresh air. Dean takes a deep breath and wipes his now wet cheeks with the back of his hand.

“What?” Dean asks with a sniffle.

“You are worthy of happiness and love,” Cas states plainly and Dean laughs but it comes out as a choked sob.

“I love you,” Dean says before he can stop himself. As soon as the three words he never says to anyone leave his mouth, he panics.

"I love you too," Cas responds, his lips tipping up into a smile.

“I wish you were here,” Dean mutters, as his eyes slam shut and more tears fall down his freckled cheeks.

“I know. I will be, soon.”

Dean doesn’t say anything, he merely nods wordlessly. He couldn’t speak even if he tried, he’s crying too hard. The dark, evil smoke that has been filling the inside of his heart, hardening and changing him has vanished and he feels.

“What do I do?” Dean asks in a scared, quiet voice. He’s scared the darkness will come back and make all this grace and love go away. He’s afraid it will take Cas away from him.

“Fight. I will help you get through this. Sam, you and I, we will come out of this, Dean. I promise,” Cas says with such a firm certainty in his voice that Dean has no choice but to believe him.

“Okay,” Dean says and he finds he doesn’t know what else to say.

“Are you going to be alright?” Cas asks, the worried tone back in his voice.

“Yeah, I think I’m going to try and sleep,” Dean answers. “Thanks, Cas for everything. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

On the other side of the line Cas is fighting back tears of his own, biting his lip to keep them from falling down his cheeks.

“Good night, Dean.”

“Night, Cas.”

 

 


End file.
